May 2025 —

That’s all I was able to ask out loud, before I began to cry. Perhaps it was confusion, or senselessness, or the weight of knowing that we truly were actively avoiding reality, but the emotional pull was strong enough to make me cry. I felt backed in a corner, with a single image illuminated at the forefront my brain: the look on my therapist’s face when I told her, “I think the cancer has returned.”

I’ve seen this therapist since 2018. She’s helped me navigate three rounds of IVF, pregnancy, baby loss, grief, family shit. She supported me throughout surrogacy, becoming a new mom, and health hurdles. Throughout it all, she had never given me any indication that I my fears were legit legit or that there was something we couldn’t work through together…until today. Her face spoke before she even got the words out, “Back again? A third time? Oh no, how is she?” I can’t pinpoint why, but this moment was when I began to realize that I may need to reevaluate not only my expectations, but everything.

Wait, am I in denial?